I really tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. I would ignore the detractors. I thought that whole ‘Case of the Mondays’ phrase from Office Space was cruel and I defended you. I even hated on Sundays for a while in trying to convince people that you weren’t that bad. Even Joyce called you Moanday and I ignored him (although Joyce could be implying something else entirely…). But actually you’re really annoying and not a good friend. I can’t ever relax with you tapping me on the shoulder each weekend. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I don’t want to see you? And that DOES NOT give you the right to sabotage my dates just to spite me. The next time I hear a date say, ‘I better get going. Monday’s calling’, we’re through for good. (Although maybe I should stop scheduling dates on Sunday nights.)
I hate you. There. I said it. I’m done pretending. My whole life I have tried to see the good in you. But no more. You know what was the final straw? You made me hate Sunday, too! I used to love Sunday. We would wake up late, laze about, maybe get brunch or do a crossword puzzle. Everything was perfect until you came along. Now Sunday and I fight all the time. With your arrival looming just hours away Sunday and I can’t enjoy ourselves. We have to worry about laundry, and groceries, and a myriad of other annoying things just to get ready for you. You’re selfish, Monday. I could live with that fact that we didn’t get along, but when you ruined my relationship with Sunday that broke the camel’s back (you monster!). So I’ll deal with you while you’re here, but just know that I’m not enjoying it.
Oh, and Monday? Sleep with one eye open.
You know what I don’t like about you, Monday? You’re so cocky. You’re like, “oh, look at me, I’m Monday. I come after Sunday.” But you know what? You’re not that cool. No one likes you. Everyone secretly says dirty things about you behind your back. Why do you always have to be first? Why don’t you ever share with Tuesday, huh? Or take a day off. Give everyone a break for once! I’ve been thinking about it, Monday, and I think there’s something wrong with you. No, I’m serious. I’m legitimately concerned for your sake. I think you might have issues, since you clearly get a kick out of ending the weekend. Look at you, smiling all bright and sunny. Just when the good people of the world start having fun on Sunday, you pop up and say, “Surprise! It’s Monday! Get up early, go to work, la-de-da!” Well, you know what? Your time has come. When The Urchins rule the world, you better watch your back. We’re comin’ for ya’.