By Margaret Hedderman

The moment you near the Box Office, you are at risk. DANGER! is all around. The informed viewer should be aware of their surroundings and become informed on the proper techniques to avoid impending DOOM. The following will be your guide.

The Judd Apatow Survival Guide is intended as a basic resource for the intelligent mind and should not, in anyway, take the place of certified training. These fundamental skills and techniques can help you avoid permanent damage by increasing your awareness and alerting you to DANGER. Certified Crapatow training is available and highly recommended for anyone expecting high levels of B.O. exposure.

Visiting B.O. can be a very rewarding experience, but, similar to rafting Class V rapids on the Zambezi River, it is fraught with PERIL. Judd Apatow has infected the film industry and, as many of you may know, his influence on other comedic filmwork can be described as Crapatowian. Do not be afraid. There are precautions one may take.

This film could have been avoided through abstinence.

1. Abstinence is the only form of Crapatow Control that is 100% effective.

2. If contact is unavoidable, mass consumption of alcohol is advisable. Dissimilar to birth control, alcohol will have a positive effect. Alcohol decreases brain functioning and will equalize your mind to the appropriate Crapatow viewer level.

3. When alcohol is insufficient, more direct measures must be taken to survive a Crapatow film. Though widely regarded as “bad for your mental health,” LSD, or similar, will add meaning to the meaningless. (Studies are currently being conducted on the effects of Crapatow on mental health. Preliminary results point to effects similar to a prefrontal lobotomy.)

4. Speaking of lobotomies (how often can you say that, eh?), this is the only proven method of Crapatow survival, though a last resort. Lobotomies were widely abandoned in the 1950s because “they’re bad for you,” but many scientists are currently debating the revival of this sure-fire surgery. Many researchers attribute this to a decline in comedic quality since the 1950s.

As previously mentioned, certified Crapatow training is available. Contact your local Urchin for more information.

(*In case y’all didn’t get it, this article was a teensy bit satirical. The Urchins do not condone excessive consumption of alcohol, the use of illegal substances, or lobotomies. Except in the case of a certain filmmaker. Ahem.)